Part I: Bliss

“… Cause I’m tired of the fear that I can’t control this. I’m tired of feeling like every next step’s hopeless. I’m tired of being scared what I build might break apart. I don’t want to know the end, all I want is a place to start…” – Mike Shinoda

I wish that I could remember more significant moments in my life. I can recite quotes from the first 10 years of The Simpsons with perfect inflection and staging, but I can't remember the exact moment that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Melissa. I have at least 70 tracks worth of Disney songs that I can use in casual conversation swimming around in my head, but I can't recall my first day of school and how big everything seemed. I can sit down and replay every embarrassing circumstance since birth in vivid detail and high-quality surround sound, but I will die before remembering how I felt the first time I realized I had worth. There's a lot of unnecessary and useless information taking up space in the ol' attic, yet the one moment I'll never forget is the moment I knew I was ready to be a dad.

It started back in November, 2017. Melissa’s flow was anything but even, which really isn’t that shocking for us. Thing just kinda shows up when it wants, causes a couple of days of misery and then fucks off. I wouldn’t set a watch to her menstrual cycle is all I’m saying. At the time, everything appeared normal. Melissa and I never do anything to actively protect against unplanned pregnancy, but when she told me she was late, my reaction was “again? Cool.” We've had scares like this in the past, and it's the same damn game every time! We start to get nervous, she buys a pregnancy test and SURPRISE! We're not pregnant and the red river starts flowing the following day. I mean look, my pull out game is strong; ask our various traumatized towels and blankets. I wasn't worried... But things happen, right?

So there I am, sitting at work with LEGITIMATELY nothing to do. I had just changed job functions, so it was that weird in-between phase where I wasn’t assigned any work. (Note: If you are my current employer then I was working diligently on a very important assignment.) Veteran's Day was the following day, so I was just leaning back in my chair like a cool kid, desperately waiting for the seconds to pass by so I could start my 3-day weekend. In between playing Pokémon Go and checking Collider and Game Informer for the latest in nerd news, I was receiving texts from Melissa, saying that she was going to take the recently-bought pregnancy test. She asked me if she should wait until I got home to take the test, but again, I wasn't worried. "Let me know what it says," I responded. Suddenly, a text notification at the top of my screen. "We're pregnant."

I had about half an hour left before I could leave, but I also knew there wouldn't be anyone looking for me (seriously, about half the office thinks my name is David). So I began my hour-and-a-half drive home. I called Melissa.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, listening for any sign of panic in her voice.

"Uh, good I think. How are you doing?" she responded, her voice unwavering.

"You know... I'm okay." It was the strangest dance, as each of us circled each other trying to assess how excited we were allowed to be at this news. The call didn't last long; phone service and GPS location in the desert is always a crap-shoot (pro-tip for anyone needing to bury a body). So it gives me time to think. And I start thinking about our plan. How we were going to wait a couple years, how we planned on traveling, how we were going to enjoy married life for a bit longer. Then I started thinking about the names that Melissa and I had decided on before I even proposed to her. I started thinking about the 'I am your father' baby shower that my coworkers would no doubt be throwing me. I thought about how lucky it was that both of our dads were about to be retired and would have plenty of time to babysit (can’t escape it!). And more than that, I started swelling with joy over the thought that the best person I had ever met was going to be a mom.

I arrived at home, and was greeted by our dog, Rory. A better writer would have described this moment as an emotional homecoming in which the pet inherently knew about the pregnancy and congratulated me on the joy that was going to be introduced into my life. In actuality, she was probably just excited that she would be getting human food and a walk soon (I'm weak). Melissa got off the couch and approached me in the entry way. "How are you?" I asked, a smile working its way across my face.

"Good," she said, a smile slowly creeping across hers. "How are you?"

"Well... We're pregnant."

"We're pregnant."

We wrapped our arms around each other, no longer able to contain our excitement. Immediately, we began making sure that we were okay with the names we had chosen years prior. Melissa ran to Pinterest to begin decorating our future child's room, while I ordered 'Night Night, Groot,' our first child's first children's book. Appointments were scheduled, vitamins were bought, and yes, Rory got her human food. For the briefest of moments, the three of us were the only ones on the planet that knew we were having a baby. It was surreal to have a secret all to ourselves. Well, until Thanksgiving.

We were over at Aunt Debbie and Uncle Kyle's house in Upland. We were a little on edge; Aunt Debbie's the resident psychic in the family so we had to monitor our auras. Couldn't be putting out any 'baby vibes' in the presence of that woman. And Kyle, well he's just an astute son-of-a-bitch. They're some of the best people I've ever met, but we had to keep our guard up. The Catholic brood traditionally congregates at their home for every holiday, and Thanksgiving was no exception. Unsurprisingly, the extended family asked us when we would have kids and start a family. Melissa and I deftly navigated that minefield with all of the grace and tenacity of a Cirque du Soleil acrobat, deflecting every question thrown at us like a ninja on Adderall. "Oh, I don't know," we would say. "We want to wait until Melissa's done with school and then spend a couple of years travelling, so it'll probably be a minute." We deflect for a living, if there's something that we don't want you to know, you're not going to know. The thing is, Melissa and I are notoriously bad at keeping 'fun' secrets if we don't have to. The weeks leading up to Christmas are 15 days of us trying to talk each other out of opening our gifts early. Largely, it ends in failure. We'd rather revel in the joy of the moment and receive a pat on the back for a job-well-done.

And maybe that's why Melissa decided to tell Kylie that night.

Kylie is Melissa's younger but no-less-mature cousin/twin sister, and the two of them were left alone in the kitchen, washing dishes after dinner. Yes, I understand now that this was a recipe for disaster. Kylie asked Melissa to have a glass of wine with her. Melissa declined and sweet, innocent Kylie sarcastically responded: "Why, because you're pregnant?" Maybe the sheer amount of smarmy remarks overloaded the neurons in Melissa's brain, or maybe it was the exhaustion of the day. It's impossible to know now what caused Melissa to ever so slightly hesitate and shoot Kylie a knowing look, but it happened all the same. As Kylie was about to start screaming (and, knowing her, crying) Melissa told her not to tell anyone. She explained that it was still too early, and that she was going to the doctor the following day to confirm the pregnancy. Kylie agreed and kept the secret for us until we were ready to have it known. You’ll understand in a minute what a big deal that is.

None of this was known to me at the time, mind you. It wasn't until the three of us were loaded into the car to go Black Friday shopping that Kylie turned and congratulated me and told me what great parents we were going to make. The whiplash was so severe, I had to walk around with a neck brace for the rest of the weekend. It was refreshing, though, to have somebody else in on our secret. Nicer still was the affirmation that others outside of the group of Melissa, Rory, and myself thought that we wouldn't ruin our kid beyond repair. We went to the doctor the following day. She confirmed the pregnancy and all Hell broke loose. We couldn't keep it a secret for long after that. We wanted people to be excited for us! And if I'm being totally honest, I wanted to gauge people's reactions. I was hoping for more of "You're going to make great parents" and less "I'll pray for that baby."

We started off slowly. While Melissa told her best friend Kristen, I elected to tell some of work family. They all work or live in the desert, I figured that the risk of accidental disclosure was slim. I told Lucia and Cortney, my two little sisters and Carmen, the kindred spirit. Cortney did a little dance in her seat and started planning a Star Wars-themed baby shower (called it!) because my tastes are obvious. Lucia hugged me and congratulated me. Carmen smiled and said "Yay...!" Which, no joke, is huge for an introvert. And of course I told the mother hen of our little cohort, Exie. Leave it to her to have the most emotional reaction of the group. The others must have heard Exie squeal in delight, because suddenly Zee, Tati, and Keisha were over at her cubicle congratulating me and sending me their well wishes. Seriously, if you have any positive news, this is the group of people you want to tell. The last person I told was my former supervisor, Cynthia; partly because we had become close and I knew she would be excited, and partly because she has enough kids to start a baseball team and I wanted to ensure she would be around if I needed advice. Admittedly, I was happy being the center of attention for a minute.

But that moment was fleeting. It was serene being in our own little bubble for the amount of time that we were, but the thing about bubbles is that they will undoubtedly and inevitably burst; our bubble was on the very cusp of popping. We knew that it was time to tell the parents. I know it sounds like this should be the most exciting part; actually announcing and creating a cute little video for a Dove Body Soap commercial is right at the top of some Buzzfeed list, but let me tell ya, it was stressful as fuck. Melissa collects moms like the boarder collects immigrant children (too soon?) and trying to figure out a way to inform all of the parents in a very narrow window without anyone's feelings getting hurt was akin to convincing a White-Supremacist that Black Panther is not an attack on White culture. Sure it’s possible, but choosing the correct words and the manner in which it was said was critical to ensure that nobody was going to be made to bite the curb at the end of this. It honestly made me wish we were worse offspring but NOOOOO we had to be bred with EMPATHY!

We knew we had to hold off telling Melissa's side of the family. Those folks eat, live, and breathe social media, and as soon as we told one of them, the news would be out there in the Twittersphere. All I needed is my mom hearing second-hand from her sister: "Hey, is Jimmy pregnant because this person just posted that thing..." and BOOM, I'm out if the will... or at least have passive-aggressive comments thrown at me until my bones literally disintegrate from shame.

My parents had to be first. Not because they were more trustworthy or significant, but because they are technologically illiterate; their cellphones are basically two soup cans connected by a string and they treat computers like Space Odyssey monoliths. Silence was guaranteed. Melissa, the true creative between the two of us, had formulated a plan. We were at Market Broiler, a local seafood restaurant, for my mother's birthday. The dinner itself was fine; service was a little slow due to large company parties showing up unexpectedly and my dad became Angry Old Man for a minute because the fish he wanted was out of season, but otherwise, it was an uneventful meal. At the end of our feast, my mom opened her presents: the next link in the POP! Hogwarts Express, a couple of movies she's wanted for years... and a third mystery package.

As she pulled out the tissue paper, I saw a look of confusion crawl across her face. Confusion then turned to realization. Melissa squeezed my hand tight. It felt like my stomach was in free-fall. My mom looked at us and asked: "What is this?"

"Surprise!" we exclaimed. It was a pacifier with a cute little note attached, suggesting that my mom and dad keep this at their house just in case we forgot one for our future child (we wouldn't). Hugs, laughs and tears all around! They were ecstatic, as were we. But we warned them not to say anything and threatened them with punishment of death. We explained our plan and explicitly told them not to disclose to ANYONE that we were pregnant. “Okay,” said my little sister Serena. “Oh, Brooke says congratulations.” Dude, seriously? How do you even text that fast?! Couldn’t go 30 seconds without telling her best friend. But you know what? Fine. Brooke’s cool and I don’t have her on social media. She won’t say anything. One set down, four sets to go. Yes, really.

Along came Sunday. We had arranged various meals throughout the day with Melissa’s legion and while each revelation was going to be its own rollercoaster, we were confident in our abilities to get it done. Melissa started by Facetiming her mom, Kathy, in Utah. Kathy was appropriately moved, began to cry, and started listing off all of Melissa’s baby belonging that we had to have for our baby. Kathy has a tendency to take a conversation and make it about her, but she unexpectedly let us have this moment. Again, the plan was explained, and Kathy promised not to spread the word until we gave to go-ahead. So far, so good.

Three.

We packed up and headed to Yucaipa to tell Mom #2 and the brothers-in-law: Dee, Josh, and Joey. We went to a delicious breakfast house where Dee proceeded to be her normal, gregarious self. She quickly made friends with the server and told her stories about her children that the server no-doubt had forgotten by the time she walked away from the table. Melissa began speaking: “So, we wanted to have breakfast with you to give you… this!” Melissa handed Dee the bag with the pacifier wrapped inside. Hugs, laughs, and tears all around! We sat and ate, and Dee regaled stories shared multiple times over. Josh and Joey were excited too, but you know, teenagers. We warned them not to say anything and threatened them with punishment of death. We explained our plan and explicitly told them not to disclose to ANYONE that we were pregnant. “Okay,” said Dee. “Oh, John says congratulations.” What the actual fuck? Dude, I’m grateful that your flavor of the month is happy for us, but seriously that phone’s gonna rot your brain. Live in the moment, woman! But you know what? Fine. John’s… a person and I don’t have him on social media. He better not say anything.

Two.

After breakfast, we made our way out to Banning. Or Beaumont. I don’t know, it all kind of blends together over there. It’s where Melissa’s father, Kelle, had set up shop with Francisca, his wife. They’re good people and always make us feel welcome whenever we head out that way. We came in, made small talk, ate some delicious sandwiches and otherwise just enjoyed each other's company. After lunch, Melissa handed them the package containing the pacifier and the note. Francisca’s eyes got comically wide and Kelle was wearing the biggest, dumbest grin. Hugs, laughs, and tears all around! We warned them not to say anything and threatened them with punishment of death. We explained our plan and explicitly told them not to disclose to ANYONE that we were pregnant. We had one set left to tell and we were so close to accomplishing our goal. “Okay,” said Kelle as he opened up Facetime so that he could tell his mom. Just… goddamnit. I get that it’s exciting, but it’s OUR news to tell. I’ve literally met this person twice in my life; why should she know before anyone else? But you know what? Fine. It’s too late now! Yes, we’re pregnant, now please don’t post anything on the Facebooks until we can check the last set off of our list.

One.

Melissa and I travelled to Upland to tell Aunt Debbie, Uncle Kyle, and Grandma Angie. We were bursting with excitement. We knew that as soon as we told this last group of people, the flood gates would open and the entire world would know. On the way, we contacted our out-of-state but no-less-important friends and family knowing that we were reaching the end of our arduous journey. Shane, Steven, Danielle, Erin, each more excited than the last. Our own excitement was overpowering, which was beneficial considering our bodies were about to give out from exhaustion. We arrived and sat in the garage with Kyle and Uncle Gary while we waited for Debbie and Angie to return home. "They'll be back in a minute," said Kyle in his unmistakable Southern drawl. I don't know why we didn't just tell Gary and Kyle then; it probably would have relieved at least some of the tension. But this was Melissa's side of the family, so I followed her lead. We waited. And waited. And waited, until finally, Debbie and Angie came home. We sat in the front room and prepared to reveal the news. "We're pregnant," said Melissa.

"Oh, I know," said Debbie. *Shrug* I guess we should have known better than to try to surprise the family psychic. Hugs, laughs and tears all around! We sat and visited for a while, hearing Debbie and Angie reminisce about their own pregnancies and hearing Kyle and Gary be grumpy that we didn't say anything to them while we were waiting. Debbie put her hand on Melissa's head and 'felt' a boy. Melissa would later tell me that she felt the same thing. While our minds were willing to continue visiting, our bodies were on the verge of collapse; it's what happens when it's been more than 45 minutes since our last caffeine fix.

We were done. It was the longest day of our lives up to that point, but we finally made it through to the other side. We texted those that had already known, and said that it was okay to tell people now if they wanted to. Dee must have had that shit locked and loaded, because no sooner had Melissa hit the 'Send' button on the message, a cute little post popped up on Facebook. It's not exactly what we wanted, and it certainly validated our feelings about waiting to tell her, but there was nothing we could do about it then. Then a post from Kelle, and then from Kathy. I'm sure my parents were in the process of lighting a fire to send their smoke signals.

Melissa and I got home, exhausted, and talked. We talked about the future, our history, and about what these next 7 months of our life would look like. We talked about family Halloween costumes and how excited I would be to share my comic book worlds with them. We talked about how exciting it would be to discover their personality and learn about whatever worlds they found interesting. Eventually, we posted our own announcement; one with humor and dinosaurs. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive. People I hadn't talked to in years and people I see every day alike were equally excited to see our family grow. The amount of pure joy I felt is something that I had not felt since my wedding day, and it's not a high I've felt since.

I worked the next day and, as seems to be the case with my job, I found myself coming home from LA in the middle of rush hour. I looked out the window in the hopes that Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker would save me from my 2-hour car ride home, but I had no such luck. I stopped and went, stopped and went; my irritation growing as each break light taunted and strained my retinas. In a desperate attempt to relieve my torment, I shifted my thoughts to my currently-cooking child and the 'Night Night, Groot' book on the way to our home. I thought about sitting on the couch with my child on my lap, making them laugh at the goofy voices I was sure to perfect while reading to him or her. All of the anger I felt melted away, and any trepidation that I had about becoming a father disappeared. I allowed myself to feel excited and realized that no matter what would eventually become of my fully grown child, I would have that future memory to look back on. Nothing else in the world would matter, and I could not wait for my daughter or son to share these moments with me.

This is when I knew I was ready to be a dad.

If this was a movie, a fairytale, or any other work of fiction, I would end the story here, with our heroes becoming parents, their family growing stronger, and by all accounts, living happily ever after. Instead, when I get home, ready to embrace my loving wife and excited dog, Melissa uttered two words. A month prior, these words would have brought me naught but relief and peace of mind. Now, these words only succeeded in filling me with unmatched dread and remorse.

"I'm bleeding." 

Because this isn't a movie, a fairytale, or any other work of fiction. This is real life, and as any of you reading this should know by now, reality hardly ever follows a script and the only guarantee is uncertainty. Where we’ll venture next is not for the faint-of-heart or the emotionally sensitive. It’s not my goal to make you feel sorry for us; but neither is it my intention to offer you some sense of closure. All I can do is tell our truth. Should you feel brave or fool enough, ignore your apprehension and be on the lookout for the next chapter in our story.

Until then,

-James & Melissa