Rage: How One Trailer Killed my Enthusiasm

I tried, guys. I tried really fucking hard to be excited and maintain some sense of enthusiasm, but enough is enough. While this may come as a surprise, I held out legitimate hope for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I know that in the past I have bashed the film’s name, studio and director with the same determination and tenacity that a future serial killer bashes in the head of a dead puppy, but I didn’t necessarily expect this movie to fail right out of the gate. It was all for the yuk-yuks.

How I approach my writing.

I really want the film to prove me wrong, do well, and usher in a new era for the DC Cinematic Universe. If nothing else, I hoped that the novelty of seeing the two most iconic comic book characters sharing the silver screen would be enough to curb my cynicism. And then the trailer dropped. Not the serviceable one of Fatman Batman opening up a can of whoop-ass straight out of the Arkham Asylum games. No. Had that trailer been released first, I probably wouldn’t be as enraged as I feel now. I’m talking about this trailer right here:

The trailer starts of great with a back and forth between Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent, which is the moment I had been waiting for since the announcement of the film. Each character is subtly undercutting the other without entirely showing their cards, which is what makes the dynamic between the Caped Crusader and the Boy Scout truly fun to watch. Then suddenly, the trailer takes a sharp right towards Shit Town, and any goodwill I had towards this movie disappeared faster than a father in the ghetto (I meant Jewish ghettos during World War II, you racists bastard). So, since lists are apparently all that I can write, here is a list of the things that make me worried for what will undoubtedly be the must see train wreck of the summer!

Sorry about that joke before. Here's a happy, undead puppy for your viewing pleasure.

Lex Luthor

DC objectively has better villains than Marvel (which is why Suicide Squad might actually work). Sure, Spider-Man has a pretty hard hitting rouges gallery, but the biggest issue with the Marvel movies (as I have so eloquently stated before) is the lack of really great villains. Marvel has adopted the “one-and-done” mentality usually reserved for boys in high school: they shoot their wad, tell us they’ll call us, and then disappear, leaving us to wonder what we did wrong to drive them away.

This is how it starts. The rage.

In this respect, DC has the potential to pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts, wine us, dine us, and otherwise treat us like the strong, empowered lovers we are. Instead, they are giving us Jesse Eisenberg playing Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network II. Whether he’s employed at theme park, fighting off the zombie hoards, or trying to get his animated bird-dick wet, Zuckerberg can ONLY play the neurotic, awkward, Michael Cera type character. 

You ain't slick, mother fucker. I see you!

You know, I was really looking forward to watching a smug, calculating Luther pit his intellect against the Man of Steel and the World’s Greatest Detective. It’s what I enjoy about the character. Everyone knows he’s evil, but nobody can touch him due to his wealth and influence (insert topical Donald Trump joke). Rather than give us what could have been an intricate game of chess, we get to watch an entitled millennial manipulate two of the coolest kids on the block to duke it out. 

In other words, what five seasons of this show has given us.

Sure, it could be that he’s putting on a façade, and that his real character will be revealed later, but in a trailer that shines light in every dark corner of the movie, it’s hard for me to believe that there are any secrets left to be discovered. Speaking of revealing way more than is necessary. . .

Save Some Shit for the Film

My Latin teacher (yeah, I was that guy in high school) had a saying: “Essays should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover what it needs to, but short enough to keep things interesting.” Take note, trailer editors. This probably applies to you more than anyone else. Movies can be incredibly successful playing things close to the chest (the box office take of The Force Awakens proved as much). BvS:DoJ is like the slutty drunk girl at the party. It’s giving us some cool things to look at will make for a pretty good story later, but it is trying way too hard to get us to come home with it and infect us with one of the six venereal diseases it is carrying.

Safety first, kids. Wrap it before you tap it.

In 3 minutes, we are shown how our two heroes meet, why they are pitted against each other, the end of their fight (“If I wanted it, you’d be dead already!”) Abomination Doomsday, and Wonder Woman’s hero shot. Aside from Aquaman’s cameo (which, come on), I feel like I have seen the entire movie already. I don’t posses the need to rush to a theater to see what will amount to two minutes in the octagon (if we're lucky) and a bunch of forced world building narrative. Hey! Speaking of shitty screen writing. . .

Just the Worst Kind of Dialogue

“You do not want to pick a fight with this person,” says Luthor as he winks at the camera. Freeze frame, roll credits over corny string score and a canned laugh track. 

Filmed in front of a live studio audience.

“Is she with you?” asks Superman. “I thought she was with you,” replies Batman. Ominous tones as camera slowly pushes in on over-the-top reaction shots.

Is Bruce really carrying Clark's child? Tune in next week to find out!

“You’re psychotic!” Lois breaths in a halfhearted delivery. “That is a three syllable word for any thought too big for little minds.” UUUGGGGGHHHHH. Just transcribing that probably gave me cancer. We have the founder of Facebook outright quoting memes that I’m sure I’ve seen pop up in my feed before.

Probably over this picture.

Trailers are made to highlight the best parts of the movie, dialogue included. All this dialogue accomplishes is making me weep for the future of spoken word in cinema. I THOUGHT WE MOVED PASSED THIS STAGE, DC! I THOUGHT YOU HAD LEARNED YOUR LESSON WITH THIS FUCKING GUY!

"...Well that was just unnecessary evil."

However, no matter how much these issues cause my Rage-O-Meter to shoot through the roof, not a single one of these stands as the biggest problem. Rather, they are merely symptoms of the real disease…

Zak Snyder is a Robot Sent from the Future that cannot grasp the Concept of Human Emotion

I almost passed out typing that section title. And honestly, that’s my entire joke, so this section might be a little bland (or blander, depending on how you found the rest of this piece). Apologies in advanced. Take a gander at this dude’s work and you will come to realize that Snyder does not understand how the human mind works. 300, Watchmen, Sucker Punch and Man of Steel are all indicative of his desire to constantly choose style over substance. All have spectacular visuals and are at least moderate hits at the box office (in fact, 300 is the reason they release blockbusters in March now), but Snyder has never created a character with as much depth as a child’s swimming pool. Scarier still is the notion that this man and this movie are responsible for establishing the look, feel and tone for the DCCU, even more than Man of Steel was.

He knows now why I cry, but it is something he can never do.

What I don’t understand is WHY Warner Bros. has given the Michael Bay of comic book movies so much power. If this was someone like Whedon, who made a successful film and proved himself in the eyes of fans, sure. Give him the keys to the kingdom. But when you are putting all of your faith in a man that could barely make a serviceable Superman movie and giving him the authority to introduce us to some of the most iconic characters of all time, it may be time to take a long hard look in the mirror and reflect on where you went so wrong in your life.

Probably around here.

Final Thoughts

I don’t hate DC. I really don’t. I just wish that they would stop giving me reasons to doubt them. And look, I understand that there is an outside chance that this movie will exceed my (admittedly low) expectations, and that it could kick-start the DCCU in ways that I cannot yet foresee. When that day comes, I will retract everything that I have said and be the first to write a formal apology to Snyder, DC, Warner Bros. Studios, and you, my reader(s) (not Jesse Eisenberg though, fuck that guy). However, they need to understand that I cannot simply give them the benefit of the doubt anymore. It isn’t enough to just watch a giant toddler play with his action figures for 2 ½ hours. I need more than that, DC. And maybe it’s selfish of me to expect you to change like this. Maybe I should just accept you for who you are, flaws and all. But I need you to at least meet me half way. I need you to step up your game, DC, because I’m tired of being burned by you.

End

Whoo! Almost on time this week! I’d like to thank all those that take the time out of their busy lives to come spend a few minutes joining me in my nonsensical little world. I hope you have as much fun reading these things as I do writing them. I have a general idea of what I want to write next week, but no concrete plan has been created yet. If you have any requests for future topics, feel free to let me know in the comments below!

Be kind to each other.

James

Risks: How Three Movies Can Save The Comic Book Genre

Holy shit! Talk about a hiatus! Am I right? Folks in the back, you know what I'm talking about!

The last 10 months have been kind of a whirlwind for me. Almost immediately after finishing my Marvel Retrospective, I got hired at a mental health hospital, which has been nothing short of a rip-roaring good time. I will say this: it’s nice to be yelled at by people that are actually crazy as opposed by being yelled at by some upper-middle class white dude for making his cappuccino a little too latte-y. Yes, that actually happened, and yes, it was one of the motivating factors of telling the job to fuck off.

While I didn't work at Starbucks, I certainly share the sentiments.

Three short months after that, I eternally joined my life with the best person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. The wedding, simply put, was the best day of my life.

More fun has never been had.

Then there was the whole existential crisis thing; the one where I thought I had nothing left to say and nothing I wrote matched the standard I had set for myself with the retrospective and I slowly slipped into a self-hating cycle of misery and woe, creating a void of soul-crushing nothingness from which there was no escape. I got some new jeans, too, which is pretty exciting.

But through all of these major life events, one thing has remained constant: my nerdiness. With all of the enormous blockbusters that filled the second half of last year, and all of the major players set to fill the cinemas this year, I cannot sit idly by and let my keyboard collect dust. So, without further ado, let’s get into it.

I'm so sorry, baby. I won't leave you again.

This year is going to be a make-or-break year for comic book flicks. We’ve been in this game for almost eight years now, and fatigue is certainly starting to set in on both the producer and consumer sides of the spectrum. Consumers, while not entirely giving up on the blockbuster movies, have begun to take less interest in the comic book genre, probably in part to studios flooding the market. My own parents (the parents of a dork) have only seen two movies out of Marvel’s Phase II line up. I am thoroughly disappointed. 

Don't give me that look! I did what I could, man!

The desire and need to keep up with the ever expanding universe just doesn’t seem to hold the attention of the general movie-goer anymore, especially since you would need to take a second mortgage out on your house just to keep up with ever rising ticket prices. On the flipside, studios are becoming even more apprehensive with their spending. It’s not a coincidence that the two biggest movies of 2015 were sequels with huge name recognition and familiar plot lines; sure-fire hits are becoming less sure-fire. This is part of the reason we’re getting two “versus” movies and a sequel/prequel/reboot continuation. 

Or whatever the hell this is considered now.

Studios need to see major returns on these investments, which means that these movies need to be event movies. There doesn’t seem to be room for experimentation in big, blockbuster movies anymore, and with six significant comic book releases coming this year, we may finally reach the point that the media has been hinting at since 2011: oversaturation.

Officially feeling a bit overwhelmed.

And yet…

There is hope on the horizon. While Captain America: Civil War, Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, and X-Men: Apocalypse will most likely be entertaining and jaw-dropping and every other buzzword you see on their TV spots (every movie is the best comic book movie ever, apparently), I imagine they will probably be by-the-numbers productions. Short of a few surprise character deaths, these movies won’t really bring anything new to the table. It is the other three films that rests the future of the comic book world on their shoulders.

DEADPOOL

What is it?: Just the best. Deadpool follows the story of a terminally-ill mercenary who is given the healing power of Wolverine, but at the cost of his looks and his sanity.

Looking at this picture always makes me want pizza.

Why I’m Excited: First and foremost I’m a fan of the character. Besides being a great mercenary, Deadpool runs around throwing out juvenile sexual innuendos, obscure song and movie references, and just can’t stop talking. Essentially, if you took all of my best/worst personality traits and threw them into a comic book blender, Deadpool is what would come out. I may be a little biased. 

A thing I actually do at any Denny's I haven't been kicked out of yet.

Secondly, the marketing has been great. Trailers have been showing us enough to keep us interested without spoiling anything, the posters and billboards have been (in)appropriately hilarious, and the studio is even using the character to encourage testicular and breast self-exams.

Deadpool might end up saving more lives than any other hero so far.

All of this promotion serves to prove to the fans that this movie has the balls or ovaries (gender equality!) to back up its premise. Finally, you have Ryan Reynolds. This guy has been the biggest cheerleader at least since the disaster that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and looks to be bringing the same level of charismatic charm that Robert Downey Jr. brought to Tony Stark, Hugh Jackman brought to Wolverine, and Heath Ledger brought to the Joker. Perfect casting is what I’m getting at here, in case I was too subtle.

How it can change the game: Deadpool is the first major superhero blockbuster to be rated R. “But what about Blade and Punisher?!” I hear you shout. Well I’m choosing to ignore those movies, partly because they happened before the comic-movie renaissance and partly because including them would go against my general thesis. Go cry about it on your own blog.

The fact that a major studio is pouring money into a superhero film that teenagers (targeted demographic) by and large cannot see is a particularly interesting move. Deadpool has a very particular sense of humor that most people seem to either fully embrace and appreciate as a fine work of art or hate with a passion that burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. With just a couple of days left until the film’s release, we will see what kind of legacy (carnage?) Deadpool leaves in his wake.

If this is any indication, definitely carnage.

DOCTOR STRANGE

What is it?: A cocky surgeon loses use of his hands and, in a quest to restore that which was lost, becomes the Sorcerer Supreme and battles the forces of evil with magic and spells. 

Yeah, the 60s were pretty weird.

Why I’m Excited: Have you seen this cast? The credits read like an Academy Award Nomination list. We have Benedict Cumberbatch: the perfect Sherlock Holmes, a great Kahn (fuck you, he was great), and an overall great ensemble player (his part in August: Osage County was beautifully tragic). Aside from the star, we have Tilda Swinton (the human chameleon), Chiwetel Ejiofor (it took me 20 goddamn minutes to type that name), Mads Mikkelsen (playing the villain, naturally), and Rachel McAdams. What? Four out of five ain’t bad. 

THEN ACT BETTER!

And while the cast is certainly enough to get my rotund rear to a movie theater, it’s what’s going on at the studio level that has really piqued my interest. Late last year, Ike Perlmutter was overthrown as the Evil Emperor of Marvel Studios. 

Actual photo from inside the studio.

While you may not know the name, Perlmutter was primarily responsible for cutting costs and influencing the creative direction of the films in generally unpleasant ways. This was the guy that didn’t want to pay Robert Downey Jr. to appear in the upcoming Captain America: Civil War and couldn’t get behind Edgar Wright’s vision for Ant-Man. As a result of being dethroned, Kevin Feige was given total control over the direction the studio would take moving forward. While we don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing yet, I remain optimistic for the studio moving forward.

Pictured: Physical Optimism.

How it can change the game: For a while now, Marvel has been accused of homogenizing its product as a direct result of the interconnected MCU. Even Ant-Man, which many consider a mild departure from huge action set pieces, still hit many of the same story beats and pitfalls as most other comic book flicks (so much exposition!). While I fully expect similar origin story tropes that have been on display time and time again, Doctor Strange has the potential to take everything we know about the MCU and mind-fuck it into a different reality. The promise of alternate dimensions, time travel, and concept art that encourages the idea of a surreal, acid-trippy, magical spectacle ensures that Doctor Strange will be unlike any other superhero movie we have ever seen.

I can taste the LSD.

Suicide Squad

What is it?: The world’s deadliest supervillains are tasked with completing suicide missions because. . . reasons. I like the whole “explosive devices in the head” concept, but the Amanda Waller “I know how to control people” leaves a little to be desired.

Why I’m Excited: Look, I spent the last eleven and 2-thirdsish posts completely sucking off Marvel. The least I can do is give DC a very unenthusiastic, dead-eyed handy. The first official trailer (not the Comi-Con sizzle reel) is making Suicide Squad seem like it’s trying really hard to be DC’s Guardians of the Galaxy. I mean that as both a compliment and a slight. What can I say? I’m a multitasker. 

Ooga Chaka!

The point and biggest takeaway from the trailer is that this is going to be a decidedly different movie from Grumpman v. Angstman: Dawn of the Justice League Part One: The Return of the Reckoning. While I have yet to write anything detailing my love-hate relationship with DC (don’t worry, it’s coming), most of you can probably infer my general lack of enthusiasm for the direction the studio is heading. What excites me, then, is the notion that there is a happier, funnier, and more colorful corner of the DCCU that Warner Bros. is interested in exploring. Granted, all of these adjectives apply to the villains of the universe, but I’ll take what I can get at this point. Plus, DC has always had better villains than Marvel, so a movie centered on characters that are tend to overshadow the less interesting heroes is certainly going to be a fascinating experiment.

How it can change the game: Guys, they’re pulling away from the gritty, realistic ambiance that has been the driving force of their films since 2008! With one notable exception, DC has been stuck in the Nolan-verse for far too long. What’s great about this is that DC is just starting their interconnected universe, and can literally go in any direction they want. With Superman and Batman setting a dower tone (plus Rob Zombie’s redesign for Aquaman), it was easy for me to assume that Suicide Squad would have just assimilated and fit into that DC mold. 

"I RIDE ON THE BACK OF MY BELUGA!"

Please, help make this movie successful so the studio can finally stop using the desaturation filter for their movies.

Final Thoughts

Risk taking. That is what these three very different films have in common. There is no way of knowing if the humor of Deadpool will be too off kilter, or if Doctor Strange is just too weird for mainstream viewers. And let’s face it, DC hasn’t exactly had the best track record with their films, especially those not focused on the Dark Knight or the Boy Scout. 

Better make it up to us on Friday, asshole!

However, should these films succeed, it could open up the door for limitless possibilities: R-rated action comedies, more surreal and original big-budget blockbusters, movies that don’t necessarily have to be nihilistic. 

Yes, I know it has "suicide" in the title. I stand by what I said.

So, can these movies be the heroes we deserve or will 2016 mark the end of the genre as we know it? Who knows? All I know is that there is enough worth being excited for this year to not give up on the genre. At least, not yet. 

END

It feels good to be back, folks. I make absolutely no promises or commitments of when I will post again, but my goal is to post “more frequently.” I understand that “more frequently” only needs to mean nine months or less, but right now my goal is once a week. We’ll see how that goes. I do promise, however, that I will shake off the cobwebs soon. I can feel the snark flow through me.

Thanks for tuning in and I’ll see you next week (hopefully).

Be kind to each other.

-James