Rage: How One Trailer Killed my Enthusiasm

I tried, guys. I tried really fucking hard to be excited and maintain some sense of enthusiasm, but enough is enough. While this may come as a surprise, I held out legitimate hope for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I know that in the past I have bashed the film’s name, studio and director with the same determination and tenacity that a future serial killer bashes in the head of a dead puppy, but I didn’t necessarily expect this movie to fail right out of the gate. It was all for the yuk-yuks.

How I approach my writing.

I really want the film to prove me wrong, do well, and usher in a new era for the DC Cinematic Universe. If nothing else, I hoped that the novelty of seeing the two most iconic comic book characters sharing the silver screen would be enough to curb my cynicism. And then the trailer dropped. Not the serviceable one of Fatman Batman opening up a can of whoop-ass straight out of the Arkham Asylum games. No. Had that trailer been released first, I probably wouldn’t be as enraged as I feel now. I’m talking about this trailer right here:

The trailer starts of great with a back and forth between Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent, which is the moment I had been waiting for since the announcement of the film. Each character is subtly undercutting the other without entirely showing their cards, which is what makes the dynamic between the Caped Crusader and the Boy Scout truly fun to watch. Then suddenly, the trailer takes a sharp right towards Shit Town, and any goodwill I had towards this movie disappeared faster than a father in the ghetto (I meant Jewish ghettos during World War II, you racists bastard). So, since lists are apparently all that I can write, here is a list of the things that make me worried for what will undoubtedly be the must see train wreck of the summer!

Sorry about that joke before. Here's a happy, undead puppy for your viewing pleasure.

Lex Luthor

DC objectively has better villains than Marvel (which is why Suicide Squad might actually work). Sure, Spider-Man has a pretty hard hitting rouges gallery, but the biggest issue with the Marvel movies (as I have so eloquently stated before) is the lack of really great villains. Marvel has adopted the “one-and-done” mentality usually reserved for boys in high school: they shoot their wad, tell us they’ll call us, and then disappear, leaving us to wonder what we did wrong to drive them away.

This is how it starts. The rage.

In this respect, DC has the potential to pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts, wine us, dine us, and otherwise treat us like the strong, empowered lovers we are. Instead, they are giving us Jesse Eisenberg playing Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network II. Whether he’s employed at theme park, fighting off the zombie hoards, or trying to get his animated bird-dick wet, Zuckerberg can ONLY play the neurotic, awkward, Michael Cera type character. 

You ain't slick, mother fucker. I see you!

You know, I was really looking forward to watching a smug, calculating Luther pit his intellect against the Man of Steel and the World’s Greatest Detective. It’s what I enjoy about the character. Everyone knows he’s evil, but nobody can touch him due to his wealth and influence (insert topical Donald Trump joke). Rather than give us what could have been an intricate game of chess, we get to watch an entitled millennial manipulate two of the coolest kids on the block to duke it out. 

In other words, what five seasons of this show has given us.

Sure, it could be that he’s putting on a façade, and that his real character will be revealed later, but in a trailer that shines light in every dark corner of the movie, it’s hard for me to believe that there are any secrets left to be discovered. Speaking of revealing way more than is necessary. . .

Save Some Shit for the Film

My Latin teacher (yeah, I was that guy in high school) had a saying: “Essays should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover what it needs to, but short enough to keep things interesting.” Take note, trailer editors. This probably applies to you more than anyone else. Movies can be incredibly successful playing things close to the chest (the box office take of The Force Awakens proved as much). BvS:DoJ is like the slutty drunk girl at the party. It’s giving us some cool things to look at will make for a pretty good story later, but it is trying way too hard to get us to come home with it and infect us with one of the six venereal diseases it is carrying.

Safety first, kids. Wrap it before you tap it.

In 3 minutes, we are shown how our two heroes meet, why they are pitted against each other, the end of their fight (“If I wanted it, you’d be dead already!”) Abomination Doomsday, and Wonder Woman’s hero shot. Aside from Aquaman’s cameo (which, come on), I feel like I have seen the entire movie already. I don’t posses the need to rush to a theater to see what will amount to two minutes in the octagon (if we're lucky) and a bunch of forced world building narrative. Hey! Speaking of shitty screen writing. . .

Just the Worst Kind of Dialogue

“You do not want to pick a fight with this person,” says Luthor as he winks at the camera. Freeze frame, roll credits over corny string score and a canned laugh track. 

Filmed in front of a live studio audience.

“Is she with you?” asks Superman. “I thought she was with you,” replies Batman. Ominous tones as camera slowly pushes in on over-the-top reaction shots.

Is Bruce really carrying Clark's child? Tune in next week to find out!

“You’re psychotic!” Lois breaths in a halfhearted delivery. “That is a three syllable word for any thought too big for little minds.” UUUGGGGGHHHHH. Just transcribing that probably gave me cancer. We have the founder of Facebook outright quoting memes that I’m sure I’ve seen pop up in my feed before.

Probably over this picture.

Trailers are made to highlight the best parts of the movie, dialogue included. All this dialogue accomplishes is making me weep for the future of spoken word in cinema. I THOUGHT WE MOVED PASSED THIS STAGE, DC! I THOUGHT YOU HAD LEARNED YOUR LESSON WITH THIS FUCKING GUY!

"...Well that was just unnecessary evil."

However, no matter how much these issues cause my Rage-O-Meter to shoot through the roof, not a single one of these stands as the biggest problem. Rather, they are merely symptoms of the real disease…

Zak Snyder is a Robot Sent from the Future that cannot grasp the Concept of Human Emotion

I almost passed out typing that section title. And honestly, that’s my entire joke, so this section might be a little bland (or blander, depending on how you found the rest of this piece). Apologies in advanced. Take a gander at this dude’s work and you will come to realize that Snyder does not understand how the human mind works. 300, Watchmen, Sucker Punch and Man of Steel are all indicative of his desire to constantly choose style over substance. All have spectacular visuals and are at least moderate hits at the box office (in fact, 300 is the reason they release blockbusters in March now), but Snyder has never created a character with as much depth as a child’s swimming pool. Scarier still is the notion that this man and this movie are responsible for establishing the look, feel and tone for the DCCU, even more than Man of Steel was.

He knows now why I cry, but it is something he can never do.

What I don’t understand is WHY Warner Bros. has given the Michael Bay of comic book movies so much power. If this was someone like Whedon, who made a successful film and proved himself in the eyes of fans, sure. Give him the keys to the kingdom. But when you are putting all of your faith in a man that could barely make a serviceable Superman movie and giving him the authority to introduce us to some of the most iconic characters of all time, it may be time to take a long hard look in the mirror and reflect on where you went so wrong in your life.

Probably around here.

Final Thoughts

I don’t hate DC. I really don’t. I just wish that they would stop giving me reasons to doubt them. And look, I understand that there is an outside chance that this movie will exceed my (admittedly low) expectations, and that it could kick-start the DCCU in ways that I cannot yet foresee. When that day comes, I will retract everything that I have said and be the first to write a formal apology to Snyder, DC, Warner Bros. Studios, and you, my reader(s) (not Jesse Eisenberg though, fuck that guy). However, they need to understand that I cannot simply give them the benefit of the doubt anymore. It isn’t enough to just watch a giant toddler play with his action figures for 2 ½ hours. I need more than that, DC. And maybe it’s selfish of me to expect you to change like this. Maybe I should just accept you for who you are, flaws and all. But I need you to at least meet me half way. I need you to step up your game, DC, because I’m tired of being burned by you.

End

Whoo! Almost on time this week! I’d like to thank all those that take the time out of their busy lives to come spend a few minutes joining me in my nonsensical little world. I hope you have as much fun reading these things as I do writing them. I have a general idea of what I want to write next week, but no concrete plan has been created yet. If you have any requests for future topics, feel free to let me know in the comments below!

Be kind to each other.

James