Opportunity Squandered: A Look Back at Guardians of the Galaxy

DAY 10

At last we come to it: the final film in the Marvel Studios collection before Avengers: Age of Ultron opens the flood gates to a new age of comic book movie releases. As the only non-sequel in Marvel’s Phase II thus far (the other being Ant-Man later this year), 2014’s Guardians of the Galaxy had so much to prove. I don’t think there was a single person that thought this movie would be as big of a hit as it was. Questions and skepticism surrounded the release of this movie. Could they make a talking raccoon a realistic character? How would we fall in love with a talking tree whose only line is I am Groot? Could the chubby guy from Parks and Recreation be convincing as a leading man? The answers: yes, easily, and yes. After six years and nine fairly solid movies, I guess we should have given Marvel the benefit of the doubt.

Personal trainers HATE them. Here's why.

By this point, Marvel had become more than just a studio; it was a brand. The difference? Dreamworks is a studio, Pixar is a brand. Like Pixar (I’m sure I’ll get shit for comparing the two), Marvel had become associated with storytelling that was adventurous, funny, and had a surprising amount of heart. Guardians of the Galaxy was not an exception to the brand. Rather, it solidified it. Opening to rave reviews and surprising box office numbers, Guardians helped prove that the folks at Marvel can do whatever the fuck they want to, and we’ll love them for it.

What They Did Right

The Tone

Not since Iron Man has a movie been so conceded and in your face. The amount of swagger that is on display, from the opening dance scene to they “You’re Welcome” tag line on the movie poster gives of a confident attitude and lets the audience know that Guardians doesn’t need our approval. It’s way too cool to care about what anyone thinks. I’m glad it was, because I’m not sure that the movie could have been made any other way. Rocket and Groot are fully realized CGI characters who are both hilarious and illicit genuine tears from the audience.

Except me. I just have really bad allergies. And something in
both of my eyes.

Drax’s inability to understand metaphors and idioms makes for some of the biggest laughs in the flick. Benicio Del Toro as The Collector is weird and eccentric almost to the point of being creepy. The music offers almost as many comedic and emotional beats as the characters themselves. In summation, without this cockiness, I don’t think there would have been much to set this apart from other films in the MCU.

Basically Everything Else

While this may seem like a cop-out, there isn’t anything that I can really add that hasn’t already been said in either reviews for this film or my retrospectives of the other films. I could sit here and write about the jail break, the aerial battles, the little character moments, but I don’t really want to. Partly, because it’s my last retrospective, and partly because as a movie, Guardians of the Galaxy is just fine. It doesn’t really do anything new or inventive, and it is mostly just here to introduce us to the Extended Marvel Universe. More importantly, I look at Guardians the same way I look at Thor: The Dark World. While there is a ton to like, all I can think about right now is what Guardians of the Galaxy could have been. More than any other, this flick epitomizes missed opportunities. Think about it: for a movie that supposedly took SO MANY RISKS, all people talk about coming away from this flick is Baby Groot. So, rather than waste your time trying to sell you into watching a perfectly adequate movie, we’re going to move right along to the things that piss me off.

It's hypnotic in its simplicity.

What They Did Wrong

Sisters

You remember how back in Thor we had a really comprehensive look at Thor’s and Loki’s relationship as brothers? That’s what I was hoping for with Gamora and Nebula. These two are sisters, both stolen from their homes, raised, tortured, modified and trained together by the Mad Titan, Thanos. We get almost none of that in their performances. I love Zoe Saldana in almost everything she is in, and (at the risk of pissing off Guru Maximus), I love Karen Gillan as Amy Pond in Doctor Who (it’s the stories that suck, not her performance!). Their make-up was amazing, their costumes were great, and the actresses were more than capable of bringing real depth to these characters. Instead, we get a shallow interpretation of Gamora and another lame villain (goddamn it!) in Nebula. Speaking of Gamora...

"I didn't eat your damn leftovers!" - Gamora
"Then why do I smell onions on your breath?!" - Nebula

A Female Protagonist, Please

For those of you not paying attention to the same trivial nonsense that I do, there is a lot of headshaking and reprimanding being thrown at Marvel for not diversifying. Ten movies into this universe, and things are looking like a white-washed, sausage party. Our only female hero is Black Widow, who has not gotten her own solo movie yet (a day I hope never comes with Scar Jo as the character). In terms of color, we have War Machine and Falcon, neither of which have shown up outside of the Captain America and Iron Man franchises, respectively.

Pictured: Tax write-offs.

With Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel had the opportunity to put a female in the lead role and tell Gamora’s tale rather than Star Lord’s (Chris Pratt). It wouldn’t have been too terribly different either. Like Star Lord, Gamora was taken off-world at a young age and lived out her years away from her family. The difference is that her family was killed by Thanos, and she had been genetically modified to be an assassin. Had we focused on her story, we would have gotten better insight into her character, Nebula’s character, and Thanos’ character, without taking anything away from Star Lord. You get what I’m laying down? The movie becomes infinitely better with a female protagonist. Instead, we get stuck with another fast-talking White guy. Speaking of Thanos…

Diversity!

The Lame Villains

God-fucking-damn it, Marvel! Get your shit together! You are getting too old to still be making these mistakes. I’ve already touched on Nebula, but Thanos and Ronan are still fair game. Thanos, after being talked up as the most powerful being in the universe, is relegated to sitting in a floating chair. Sure, he speaks with authority and has a pretty cool speech, but he feels shoehorned into this movie and doesn’t give us any reason to fear him. Blow something up! Lay waste to a planet! Do something! Don’t just sit there like the creepy uncle that Mom wouldn’t leave me alone with!

Uh... mom says not to sit on your lap...

Ronan pisses me off for another reason. I love Lee Pace. To me, he shall forever be the pie-maker. When he was announced as the villain, I was eight kinds of excited. I saw his look, and was nine kinds of excited. Then I watched the movie. And then he died. Touching back on the whole Empire Strikes Back thing, if Marvel’s plan is to use Thanos as The Emperor, then they had an enormous opportunity to make Ronan their Darth Vader. He has a cool look, a decent enough motive for seeking revenge on Zandar, and is a legitimately intimidating dude. Instead, Marvel kills him. What the fuck. Speaking of killing off great actors…

"BUT I STILL HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE!"

Black Panther

Djimon Hounsou (Korath) gets his own section, because killing him off is one of the worst decisions Marvel has ever made. Like. Right behind casting Scar Jo as Black Widow (take a drink!). Korath is such a nothing part in this movie that they could have saved him for later. Really, all Marvel needed was a character named “General X” and things wouldn’t have changed at all. So why am I so upset at his passing? Because Djimon Hounsou will, forever in my mind, be the perfect casting choice for T’Challa: The Black Panther.

He doesn't even need a costume!

Ever since 2008, when I realized what Marvel was up to, I had hoped that Hounsou’s announcement as the first Black comic book character was right around the corner. I came close with BET’s short-lived Black Panther animated series, for which Hounsou provided the voice of T’Challa. Instead, he gets 3 minutes of screen time and is used for as a punch-line for Drax. Watch 2006’s Blood Diamond and join me in my sorrows, brothers and sisters. Share drink with me, for the king is dead.

"What do you mean this isn't Wakanda?"

*As a side note, I have not seen Chadwick Boseman in anything, and, as such can speak with NO AUTHORITY as to whether or not he will make a good Black Panther.*

Stop Telling Us And Show Us!

It would have been really interesting to see Rocket’s backstory. Or Groot’s backstory. Or Drax’s backstory. Or Gamora’s backstory. You know what’s not interesting? Watching these characters (except Groot) talk about their back stories like their recapping last night’s episode of Game of Thrones around the water cooler in the office. We are WATCHING a movie (you know I’m serious because I used all caps). If I wanted to hear about what had happened, I would have bought the book on tape. Sadly, this isn’t a story about the Guardians. This is a story about Peter Quill, and about how he picks up these characters, characters that are all more interesting than him, along the way. It’s a really disappointing introduction to the extended universe.

"Please? I have stories too, guys..."

Final Thoughts

The more I think about this movie, the more frustrated I get. Guardians of the Galaxy is Marvel’s Frozen. Both are fun, entertaining movies, but both get far more credit than they are due. Guardians gets a ton of praise for taking risks and chances and for having a great sense of humor about itself, but that’s been every Marvel movie up to this point. Remember when we thought Thor couldn’t work? Plus, it wasn’t that risky of a movie. We still start on Earth, we still have the Caucasian Earthling as the primary protagonist, and even the plot is much more formulaic than some of the other films on this list (basically, a really violent version of capture the flag). I think Marvel had a chance to take risks with this film, and ultimately decided to play it safe. I’m not trying to take anything away from it, though. Guardians of the Galaxy is a very entertaining, heartfelt film. It just isn’t the film people make it out to be.

  1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
  2. The Avengers
  3. Iron Man 3
  4. Iron Man
  5. Guardians of the Galaxy
  6. Captain America: The First Avenger
  7. Thor: The Dark World
  8. Thor
  9. Iron Man 2
10. The Incredible Hulk

END OF DAY 10

That's it folks! All 10 movies! It's been a loooong journey. I feel like I just finished running a marathon. You know, as much I can, considering I jsut spent the last 10 day on a couch. Check back tomorrow. I'll have one final, comprehensive look at the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
#bringbackjustinhammer

Be kind to each other.

-James

Not An Achievement, But A Responsibility: A Look Back At Captain America: The Winter Soldier

DAY 9

Captain America is nobody’s favorite Avenger. While I loved his first solo outing, and while I can defend his character development in The Avengers to the death, my opinion seemed to be that of the minority. With the less than positive reactions to both Iron Man 3 and Thor: The Dark World the year before, people began to question whether Marvel could ever make anything of the same caliber as The Avengers. Certainly, if any movie was going to take the mantle from The Avengers, it was not going to be a Captain America movie.

Sorry, Cap. Nothing personal.

Then Captain America: The Winter Soldier debuted. On April 4^th, 2014, naysayers became true believers. Nobody imagined that a movie so drastically different from its predecessor would be considered one of the greatest releases in the franchise. With great set pieces, amazing action, an emotional story, and even a few interesting twists, Winter Soldier represented the new paragon for Marvel quality, and proved that Marvel was still capable of making fresh and exciting movies. It also proved that Captain America could kick all sorts of ass.

What They Did Right

Falcon

In a world of mostly Caucasian superheroes, I am beyond happy that Marvel decided to add Falcon to the roster. More importantly, Marvel and Anthony Mackie did a great job bringing the character to life. In just a handful of scenes, Mackie is able to create a three-dimensional character that is an entertaining, earnest, trustworthy badass. While I wish that Falcon would have gotten more screen time, it is evident that he is not a sidekick. Falcon is Captain America’s partner, and I cannot wait to see him in Avengers: Age of Ultron and Captain America: Civil War.

I don't know where my soul is.
I don't know where my home is.

Connectivity

As I stated back in the Iron Man 3 retrospective, each of the Marvel films following The Avengers had the challenge of explaining why our heroes simply didn’t call each other when they needed help. Iron Man 3 handles this issue by giving Stark severe anxiety issues and setting the film after the events of The Winter Soldier (surprising right?!). Thor: The Dark World handled it by keeping the Asgardian off world for the majority of the movie. Captain America: The Winter Soldier doesn’t hide from what came before. Rather, Directors Anthony and Joe Russo fully implement S.H.I.E.L.D., Hydra, the Battle of New York, and even another Avenger in the form of Black Widow into Cap’s story. Even though Cap is headlining, other characters in the MCU pop in and out in order to sell the idea that everyone exists in the same world. It doesn’t feel like a separate chapter in the hero’s story, but the logical next step in the hero’s evolution. This is the first time since The Avengers that the MCU truly feels like a cohesive world, really makes the flick feel like you’re reading a comic book.

"This my be your movie, but I'm in charge, bitch." - Nick Fury

The Villains

Bringing in Robert Redford to play Alexander Pierce was a significant victory for Marvel. Redford is a guy who actually believed for what Hydra stood for. He believed it was worth saving 7 billion people, at the cost of 20 million. I mean, just sitting here writing this, it makes me wonder whether or not we should have taken that deal… Redford does an excellent job of grounding the inherent silliness of Hydra’s plan, and makes us really question just how much freedom we should sacrifice for security.

You think I'm playin'? Come at me, bro!

Next, we come to the Winter Soldier himself, Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan). Stan’s turn as the antagonist is heartbreaking. You feel his sorrow as he tries, in vain, to remember who Steve Rogers is, and feel his pain when he is put through electroshock therapy. In addition, the Winter Soldier is probably the only really challenge Rogers has faced since the Red Skull. He is calculating, brutal, and almost too quick for the good captain to handle. However, I STRONGLY suggest watching Captain America: The First Avenger before trying to understand Bucky. As much as I love his presence on the screen, the impact of his return is lost if you can’t remember who he is. While there are other villains like Frank Grillo’s Brock Rumlow and Georges St. Pierre’s Batroc (the running joke of every Marvel Universe), the two primary antagonists are what give this story much needed gravitas.

Again, not so good at the whole subtlety thing...

The Action

Aside from the Helicarrier takedown in the third act, Captain America: The Winter Soldier boasts some of the most realistic and brutal fight scenes in the MCU (outside of Netflix's Daredevil). Granted, Cap kicks a guy and he goes flying like he’s made of Styrofoam, but the choreography and cinematography make is seem as though every hit is doing an incredible amount of damage. People often point to the elevator scene or the Nick Fury getaway sequence as the action highlights, but it is the highway battle that is really the most impressive in the film. The resourcefulness of both Black Widow and Falcon are on full display, and the final confrontation between Captain America and Winter Soldier really shows the level of strategy and intelligence that each one possesses. Once again, it’s not about who’s going to hit whom the hardest. This is a battle for survival, and the smarter man will walk away as victor.

As you can see, Rogers is using the hug-it-out approach.
Violence isn't the answer, kids.

The Price of Freedom

You know, we get a lot of these pre-planned, off the cuff speeches in almost every action movie. Return of the King, Independence Day, and Braveheart probably spring into mind when the topic of “best speeches ever” come up. The speech delivered by Steve Rogers in Winter Soldier isn’t necessarily going to be joining the ranks of the aforementioned titles, but it gets points for how it’s cut together. Rogers explains that Hydra has infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D., that he and his team are planning on taking down the Helicarriers, and that if he’s the only one to lay down his life for freedom, then so be it. The speech is undercut by several S.H.I.E.L.D. agents giving their lives to try and stop the launch sequence that will kill millions of people. This sequence really shows the audience how far these agents are willing to go to do what is right, and proves that you don’t need powers to be a hero.

But against a cyborg, it sure as shit helps.

What They Did Wrong

Scar Jo

Y’all knew it was coming. While not nearly as bad as her performance in Iron Man 2, Scarlett Johansson (whose last name I'm not sure I'll ever spell correctly) is still one of the weakest aspects of the movie. We’re three performances in so far, and I think I’ve finally figured out what her deal is. See, Black Widow is written as a pretty funny character this time. She has some pretty good one-liners and acts as an entertaining foil for Captain America. However, none of her jokes land. On the contrary, most of her jokes fall flat, and Cap’s reactions are what ultimately save the comedy beats. 

"Anyone know where I can pick up a fossil?" - Black Widow
"Oh god, please just stop!" - Everyone on the planet

Johansson is so preoccupied with trying to be sexy and sultry, that she can literally do nothing else (unless it’s a physical scene where she doesn’t have to talk). We are about to see Johansson’s fourth turn as the character, and I wish I could say I was more excited. The comics keep us guessing as to whether Black Widow will prove a valuable asset to the Avengers, or if she will betray them and serve them up to the villains. The only mystery surrounding Johansson’s performance is how she ever got this job.

Oh. . . right.

Empire

This is less of a complaint about this specific movie, and more of a slam against Marvel’s Phase II as a whole. Kevin Feige, the mastermind behind the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe, has said several times that Phase II was supposed to be Marvel’s Empire Strikes Back. For those that have not seen Star Wars (Seriously?! Still?! Didn’t you see that trailer?!) Empire Strikes Back is the second film in the original trilogy, and is considered the best film in the saga. To compare anything to Empire is to evoke both excitement and skepticism from the nerd community. While I appreciate the “losing a hand” moment in each of the Phase II flicks (Killian, Thor, Bucky, Groot), I take issue with the whole “no closure” thing. Both Thor: The Dark World and Captain America: The Winter Soldier end on cliffhangers that won’t be realized until next year (at the earliest). Winter Soldier ends with Rogers and Wilson set on the path to find Bucky, but then, they are suddenly drawn into fighting a giant robot army?

"When do we start?" - Falcon
"Ask me again in a couple of movies." - Cap

Not a huge problem, maybe, but I wish that these movies offered satisfying conclusions. At this point, I feel like this franchise is never going to end.

How the theaters are going to look after the Marvel Movie Marathon, 2020.

Final Thoughts

Captain America: The Winter Soldier debuted just over a year ago. As such, I don’t have the same level of perspective on this flick that I do with the other movies. However, with this film, it seemed as though Marvel had finally found a balance between telling a hero’s story without being a slave to the extended universe. It didn’t feel bogged down by unnecessary exposition like Iron Man 2, but also didn’t completely ignore the past events like the other films in Phase II thus far. As it stands, Winter Soldier is the strongest entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which is why it is awarded the top spot on my list.

  1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
  2. The Avengers
  3. Iron Man 3
  4. Iron Man
  5.
  6. Captain America: The First Avenger
  7. Thor: The Dark World
  8. Thor
  9. Iron Man 2

10. The Incredible Hulk

With Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Marvel proves that their movies can be more than just visually entertaining fluff. Then they release Guardians of the Galaxy and completely undercut themselves. But we’ll save that for next time.

END OF DAY 9

There’s only one movie left. If you have even the most basic deductive reasoning skills, you should be able to figure out where it goes. I look forward to your angry letters!

#bringbackjustinhammer

Be kind to each other.

-James

Two Steps Back: A Look Back At Thor: The Dark World

DAY 8

After the releases of Iron Man 3 and Man of Steel, the age-old battle of Marvel vs. DC (not Marvel v. DC; this isn't a court case, Snyder) was raging harder than it had been in years. Most of the arguments came down to which movie sucked more (Man of Steel), as is the community's way of settling such important battles. See, DC had issued a challenge to Marvel that it too could create an interconnected universe of superheroes. Nerd blood would be shed this eve.

While of similar quality, I did not mean this man of steel.

Amidst the scuffle, Thor: The Dark World prepared to make a statement for Marvel, proving that the studio would forever remain king of the mountain. 

Hammer Time, mo fuckahs!

However, Marvel didn't seem confident in the film's abilities. The studio has a reputation of over saturating the market with trailers, clips, and posters, so much so that people often feel like they have seen the entire movie before entering a theater. The same could not be said for The Dark World. Marvel seemed to keep this movie (funnily enough) in the shadows and didn't do much to drum up the public's interest. After seeing the film, I can understand why.

Thor: The Dark World showed up in theaters on November 8th, 2013, much to the yawns and apathetic shrug of a world surrounded by superheroes.

What They Did Right

The Look and the Feel

Once again, the Thor franchise is second-to-none when it comes to visual effects. The CGI is gorgeous, but more than that, all of the practical effects help the audience buy into the idea that these realms are living, breathing worlds. The make-up for the marauders of Vanehiem, the design and look of the Argaridan costumes, the bleakness of Svartalfhiem, the horrific look of the Dark Elves and the full-bodied feel of Kurse contribute heavily to bringing these worlds to life. More importantly, The Dark World is able to seamlessly blend the worlds of fantasy and sci-fi into one cohesive universe. The Dark Elves are armed with space ships, ancient laser rifles, and gravity grenades that can collapse a person in on himself. Not the typical weapons one would think an elf to wield, even a dark one (not racist, I promise!). If you were to take Star Wars, Star Trek, and The Lord of the Rings and throw them in a blender, Thor: The Dark World is what would come out. The result is a world that I feel like I’d never seen before, and a world that I would love to spend more time in.

See you in your nightmares, kids!

Nuance

These are my favorite performances from Hemsworth and Hiddleston in the MCU. Both characters started out as bold, Shakespearian characters that appeared to be acting for the stage, rather than film. In the past, both performers were heavy handed in their delivery, movements, and characterization. The Dark World allows the pair to act like real brothers for the first time in the series. Instead of bold, over enunciated lines, the pair use subtle facial expressions and dialed-back dialogue to truly express their hate and love for each other. Watch this scene:

“I wish I could trust you,” Thor says with a smile. In that moment, you can see the pain in his eyes and hear the lament in his voice at the idea of losing his little brother. It’s a great scene, and it has been amazing to watch their progress. Both Hemsworth and Hiddleston completely embody their characters.

Loki: I love you, brother.
Thor: Shut the fuck up, Loki.

The Humor

The Dark World is quite probably the funniest movie in the MCU. I’ll let you know if I have to eat those words after I watch Guardians of the Galaxy again. Darcy is once again great as the comic relief, the brotherly arguments between Thor and Loki in the Escape from Asgard sequence really makes them feel like siblings, and the Captain America cameo is perfect. As many problems that The Dark World faced during production, it’s nice to know that the comedy of the movie made it to release unscathed.

The movie in a nutshell.

Take A Minute

So many people have died in these movies without our heroes stopping to pause at their loss. They have a look of shock, continue fighting the bad guy, and move on. That’s what is necessary, both for the movie to continue and for the character to defeat the threat. This is not the case with Frigga. When the Queen of Asgard falls, we are privy to a beautiful Viking funeral, and get to see how much her loss effects the sons of Odin. It isn’t the most necessary or well-done scene in the movie, perhaps, but it gives the audience and the characters a moment to stop and mourn the ones we’ve lost.

Putting the FUN in funeral.

Now You’re Thinking With Portals

If you read my Iron Man 3 retrospective, you already know that Marvel Studios was faced with the challenge of topping the Battle of New York. The Dark World gives us another imaginative take on a climactic battle scene. Instead of simply hitting the other guy until somebody falls, Thor and Malekith have to deal with transporting in and out of realms, gravity manipulation, and one really pissed-off monster (the last of which, I really want to see recruited as an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.). It’s a fun experience, and proves once again that Marvel isn’t out of ideas just yet.

Something about cake!

However, even with all of these positive attributes, it's hard to ignore all of the mistakes The Dark World made along the way. Without further ado, here are the things that piss me off.

What They Did Wrong

Made By Committee

The behind-the-scenes issues that plagued Thor: The Dark World are well documented. Marvel lost director Patty Jenkins due to “creative differences,” which caused strain between Marvel and Natalie Portman (Jane Foster). Director Alan Taylor is often very outspoken about his poor experience working with Marvel. Even Idris Elba (Heimdall) has gone on record as saying these movies are “torture.” As I said nine days ago, I like listening to commentaries. I like hearing the behind the scenes stories and about the vision that the film makers were going for. The commentary for this film, however, is very telling. Tom Hiddleston and Kevin Feige, who is the head of Marvel Studios, recorded their sections of the commentary separate than that of director Alan Taylor and cinematographer Kramer Morgenthau. These four couldn’t even be in the same room at the same time to talk about the movie they had made. The Dark World was having problems from the get-go, and Marvel, rather than trusting the film makers, decided to step in and go into full on, Fuhrer-mode. The result is a bloated, choppy, inconsistent film.

This is some bullshit.

We Get It! Stop Explaining!

There are two prologues tacked onto this movie. The first details the battle between the Dark Elves and the Asgardians over the Aether. This is a scene later described by Odin in his library. The second prologue deals with Loki going to prison. While it’s fun to see Hiddleston relish his performance, this information of his imprisonment is also provided later. Then there is the convergence. The convergence, or the alignment of the realms, is explained five different times in this movie! It literally took me half a sentence to explain it. If we were to take out all of the exposition of this movie dealing with the convergence, it would be 30 minutes long. If you feel the need to keep reminding the audience what will happen during a particular moment in the movie, your script is broken. Take the time to go back and streamline what doesn’t make sense. Unfortunately, due to aforementioned internal struggles, we get a movie that dumbs itself down for no goddamn reason.

Okay, class, open your books to page 15.
We will be discussing the convergence for the rest of the fucking week.

The Lame Villain

Fuck, Marvel. You just had to go and ruin my good times, didn’t you? I was ecstatic when Chris Eccleston, my favorite Doctor, was announced to be playing Malekith in The Dark World. I believed that Eccleston was the perfect choice to play a sinister, calculating antagonist in a Marvel movie. Watch the Doctor Who episode The End of the World, and you’ll get a sense of just how scary and unforgiving Eccleston can be. Moreover, Thor had already proved that villains of the extended universe had the potential to be powerhouses of strength and emotion with Loki. I guess my expectations were too high. Instead, we get a villain that could have been substituted with a sinister looking house plant, and not much would have changed throughout the movie. More depressing? The Dark Elves look terrifying! They give off the vibe of archaic, evil Storm Troopers that can actually hit a target! There was so much potential here! An ancient king commanding a formidable army holding a centuries-old grudge had all of the possibilities to create an epic skirmish, the likes of which we had not seen since Middle Earth. However, much like several other Marvel villains, the general public forgets he ever existed.

Beware my power, Asgardian.

Too Much Loki

The movie should have been called Thor Two: Loki Boogaloo for the amount of Loki in this flick. Every time you turn a corner, there he is, with a smug grin on his face. I love Loki as much as the next screaming fangirl, and I love that Marvel has at least one villain upon whom they can thoroughly rely. However, it’s a shame that Thor takes second-billing in his own flick. It’s almost like Marvel doesn’t trust that the God of Thunder can carry a movie on his own, which is a shame, taking in to consideration Hemsworth’s charisma. Rather than taking the time to delve into our hero or discovering who the hell Malakith is, we get more scenes of Loki being Loki. The scenes are by no means bad, and Hiddleston is always fun to watch, but Marvel needs to decide very quickly if Thor is even worth the attention anymore and if Loki should be the headliner in this franchise.

"STOP STEALING MY THUNDER, LOKI!"

Thor: The Dark World is a fun and entertaining addition to the MCU, but there is simply too much about it that feels like Marvel had taken a step back with regard to storytelling. I had hoped for this to be Thor’s Empire Strikes Back. What I received was Attack of the Clones: a film marginally better than the first, but still far below my expectations.

Final Thoughts

Back in my The Incredible Hulk retrospective, I made mention of the fact that Hulk’s standalone film was the only one I didn’t see in an early showing. That was not true. I didn’t see the early showing of Thor: The Dark World, either. I just didn’t remember until I started writing this. If that isn’t a representation of the overall quality of this flick, I don’t know what is. Sadly, I don’t cast many thoughts towards the deity’s second outing. Thor: The Dark World was quickly followed up by two far superior movies, and most of my attention was taken up with them. At this point, I look at The Dark World in terms of what it could have been as opposed to what it is. We could have had the first female director of a superhero movie. We could have had a really interesting villain. We could have had a really solid look at who Thor was after the events of The Avengers. While some of these pieces make it into the film, Marvel cannot make them connect. Like most of Marvel’s Phase II efforts, Thor: The Dark World is defined by its missed opportunities.

So, where does Thor: The Dark World rank on my list of MCU Films?

  1.
  2. The Avengers
  3. Iron Man 3
  4. Iron Man
  5.
  6. Captain America: The First Avenger
  7. Thor: The Dark World
  8. Thor
  9. Iron Man 2

10. The Incredible Hulk

What a shame.

END OF DAY 8

Thank you to all of my readers! Do you agree with my ranking? Are there any great moments or errant flaws that I missed? Should Marvel give up on Thor? Who wants to help me kickstart the Sinister Plant franchise. Let me know in the comments below!

#bringbackjustinhammer

Be kind to each other.

-James

The One I'll Get Shit For: A Look Back at Iron Man 3

DAY 7

The world was set on fire by 2012’s The Avengers, and all of the other movie studios were fighting to keep pace. Suddenly, Universal, Paramount, Warner Brothers, 20th Century Fox and Sony were all trying to replicate Marvel’s success by announcing their own interconnected universes. For better or worse, Marvel had changed the way studios would approach franchise film making forever. But while the other studios struggled to get their universes off the ground, the question Marvel now faced was what would come next.

How cute, they think they can catch up!

I guess it's fitting that the franchise that kick started the MCU would also be the first film in Marvel's Phase II. Iron Man 3 soared into theaters on May 3rd, 2013. While the movie was a box office success and garnered fairly positive reviews, Iron Man 3 is the most divisive movie in Marvel's collection. Nerds argued for hours about the suits, the twist, the plot holes and the ending until Man of Steel was released later that year (at which point, nerds argued about that).

Turns out the "S" stood for "Shitty Movie."

Who's right and who's wrong is all subjective, but to me, Iron Man 3 stands as one of the strongest entries into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

What They Got Right

I’m A Visionary, But I Do Own A Maniac

So, I’m going to get this out of the way, right off the bat: the Mandarin twist is one of the top seven (random number) moments in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I know that there quite a few of you out there that sensed a disturbance in the force and are currently sharpening your torches and lighting your pitchforks, but to this group I say: go fuck yourselves. You are living in Fairytale Land if you think that this movie “ruined” The Mandarin. Newsflash, kiddies: The Mandarin was NEVER a great villain. He started off as a very racist caricature meant to personify our fear of the Chinese during the cold war era, and his evolution pretty much ends there. 

Iron Man forgot to pay his dry-cleaning bill.

It’s not like they were ruining The Joker or The Green Goblin. Marvel took a character that, literally, nobody cared about before his involvement with the movie and gave him a tweak that nobody saw coming.

"Told you so!"

However, that’s not enough, right? We’re nerds! We have an unmatched sense of entitlement! We want to have our cake and eat it, too (which is a stupid phrase, of course I want to eat the cake you gave me)! Well guess what? Marvel still gives us The Mandarin with the inclusion of Aldrich Killian. Tony says right it right at the beginning. “The Mandarin: An ancient Chinese war mantel meaning advisor to the king.” The Mandarin, historically, is the one pulling the strings, which is exactly what Killian is doing. He creates the king, gives him power, and tells him exactly what to say and do. In addition, he can cut apart armor with his bare hands, is borderline immortal, and (stupidly) breathes fire. But you’re right, nerd-community, Iron Man 3 ruined The Mandarin.

Admittedly, subtlety is not Marvel's strong suit.

Look, the reason that Demon in a Bottle is considered the best Iron Man story arc in the comics is because Iron Man has pretty lame villains (read my other retrospectives). Tony Stark is the most interesting when he is battling his own demons, which is the opportunity that The Mandarin provides him in Iron Man 3. If you don’t like the twist because you think it’s a lame storytelling convention or because you think it somehow undermines the message of the film, there isn’t much I can do to change your mind. However, if you think Marvel somehow disservices the character of The Mandarin, run back and stare at Leto's Joker for another 6 hours. These posts clearly aren't for you.

All snark aside, I'm really interested to see what he does.

Also, I’m sorry I told you to fuck yourselves.

(Don’t) Call The Avengers

I went back and read something I wrote in 2012, right after the release of The Avengers. One of the questions I asked was about how these separate universes could continue to exist now that everyone knew that each other existed. You don’t think Tony would give Cap a cell phone just in case he needed to get a hold of him? Each of the films in Phase II of the Marvel Cinematic Universe handles this problem a little bit differently. For Tony, calling the other Avengers was, psychologically, not an option. Tony is clearly shaken by the events of The Avengers, and the mere mention of the Battle of New York is enough to induce a panic attack. Why exactly would he want to call the people whose appearances would freak him out?  More importantly, Tony doesn’t feel like he needs the Avengers anymore. Since the Battle of New York, Tony has built 36 new suits to combat any situation he can think of. There is no reason to involve the rest of the team. He can handle it. While there are, no doubt, those that disagree, Director Shane Black and the folks at Marvel do a fairly good job of explaining away the Avengers problem.

In retrospect, not calling the Avengers may have been a poor choice.

Tony Stark

Remember back in 2008, when nobody complained about the lack of Iron Man in Iron Man? I miss those days. One of the biggest complaints that I hear about Iron Man 3 is that there just isn’t enough Iron Man. But to me, the stories were never about Tony with the suit. These movies were all about who Stark was without it. This notion plagues Stark through the entirety of the film. By Iron Man 3, the suits have become both a crutch and an anchor for Stark. He can hardly function without them, and he begins to seriously question his identity when his armor becomes unavailable. It is during this film and these scenes that Tony Stark comes to the apex of his characterization. He becomes the man he was in the cave, relying on his genius, rather than his suits, to cover his ass. Whether it's creating a repulsor from spare parts in a garage or making explosives using Christmas ornaments, Stark proves that he is still a force to be reckoned with. By the end of the film, Stark comes to the realization that it doesn’t matter how many suits he has. It doesn’t matter if everything is taken away from him. Tony Stark will forever be Iron Man.

Dude ages like a fine wine, I swear to God.

The Action

After The Avengers, it was hard to imagine any set pieces that could measure up to the Battle of New York. In some ways, nothing has. However, Director Shane Black and the folks at Marvel decided that things don’t always have to be bigger. Instead, things needed to be more creative and have higher emotional stakes. While the Malibu Dream House attack strikes an emotional chord and the Thousand Suits a Minute battle is both entertaining and imaginative, it is the Prison Break scene that is by far the most fun. Armed with only a gauntlet and a boot, Stark must somehow fight his way out of dungeon of armed goons. The humor is great, the cinematography is fluid, and the sequence is one of the coolest scenes in the MCU. This scene proves that less is sometimes more.

Tony forgets the safe word and has to fight his way out.

I stand at a crossroads. While I would love to sit here and try to convince you why Iron Man 3 is one of the strongest entries into the MCU, I understand that the film isn’t for everyone and know that nearly everything I say will fall on deaf ears. Since my goal of these retrospectives was not to persuade, but rather to have fun, I’ll go ahead and move right on to the things that piss me off.

What They Did Wrong

A Missed Opportunity

I wish that Pepper Potts (Gwenyth Paltrow) would have died. I like the character, I like Paltrow as the character, and I’m glad that she gets a fairly solid ass-kicking scene at the end of the movie. However, with Iron Man 3, Marvel begins to trek down a dangerous road. I’m just gonna make a list of the people who have “died” and come back in the MCU thus far: Loki, Pepper Potts, Phil Coulson, Loki again, Groot, and Nick Fury. Just like the comics, nobody is staying dead. If they were going to bring everyone back to life, at least give us a Marvel Zombies. Can you imagine the MCU without Pepper? Tony, having lost her, would have killed Killian in a blind rage, retreated further into himself, and given us a fascinating, broken man in Avengers: Age of Ultron. Rather than creating Ultron to retire, he would be creating it as a result of not being able to protect Pepper. Instead, Marvel chooses to play it safe and brings Pepper back. I guess only the villains stay dead, huh?

Why won't you die?!?

You Can Breathe Fire

Just… it’s one of those things that bugs me for having no purpose. Killian breathes fire once in the whole movie. It’s not a set-up for anything; it doesn’t play some super important role later in the film. He breathes fire for that one scene, Rhodey acknowledges that he can breathe fire, and that’s it. It’s just dumb for the sake of dumb.

"I SAID MILD SALSA! MILD!"

Maya Hansen

I have a special area in my brain dedicated to all sorts of trivia that will never be useful in the real world (but I'm awesome at bar trivia!). I can remember character names, theme songs, exact quotes, and even camera movements for almost every movie or TV show I have seen. Yet, despite my Mind Palace of Trivial Nonsense, I could not, for the life of me, remember Rebecca Hall’s character’s name in Iron Man 3. Maya Hansen really serves no purpose in this movie other than to give a speech about scientific ideology. Her character is bland, pointless, and, in most cases, could be replaced by Killian to enhance the story. I will honestly be surprised if I remember her in a week. Marvel continues the tradition of introducing a character, giving the character five minutes of screen time, and killing the character off. But don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll be back with her own TV show soon.

Tuesdays at 8 on ABC.

I know people take issue with the House Party Protocol, why the suits fit everyone universally, and why Tony would give out his address to a terrorist on national television. I could argue why these things make sense and how these moments strengthen the movie, just as I’m sure you could argue why these moments make Iron Man 3 the *zo-mg-worstest-movie-in-the-evers-lawls.* At the end of the day we’re just going to have to agree to disagree. Plus, I’m seven movies in; give me a fucking break.

Final Thoughts

I saw Iron Man 3 several times in the theaters, and remember enjoying it each time I watched it. However, I really connected with this movie when I sat down to watch it for this retrospective. I identify with Tony a lot more now than I did when I first saw the flick. See, I went from being a full time student and working 45 hours a week at a job I hated to having absolutely nothing to do with my time. For an entire week, I took a long introspective look, trying to figure out who I was, who I am, and who I wanted to be. Then, I created I’m Probably Wrong and started working on my 10 Day Marvel Challenge. I realized that I am the same person I’ve always been: the silly, self-deprecating asshole with delusions of grandeur. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have a job or I’m not going to school, because my identity isn’t attached to those types of things. Like Stark, you can take away my house, all my tricks and toys, but the one thing you can’t take away – I am Iron Man.

So, where does Iron Man 3 rank on my list of MCU Films?

  1.
  2. The Avengers
  3. Iron Man 3
  4. Iron Man
  5.
  6. Captain America: The First Avenger
  7.
  8. Thor
  9. Iron Man 2

10. The Incredible Hulk

You mad, bro?

END OF DAY 7

Down to the wire, folks, with only 3 movies left and Ultron right around the corner! Thank you to all of my readers! Do you agree with my ranking? Are there any great moments or errant flaws that I missed? Do you think that Marvel ruined The Mandarin? Are you going to march to my house and chase me up a windmill for this one? Let me know in the comments below!

#bringbackjustinhammer

Be kind to each other.

-James